Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
