DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
