Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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