she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
