I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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