Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
