I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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