When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
