I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
