Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
just tell him i said nine months
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
