i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
