I should be sponsored by Trojan
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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