A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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