Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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