I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
