Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
