You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
