We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize