Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
