OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
