I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
COCAINE IS GR8
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
