you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
