Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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