Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize