I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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