The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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