I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
