i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
