I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
