How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
