I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
