I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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