Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
