Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
