ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
