So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
