They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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