Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
