dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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