don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
