i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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