Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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