Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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