I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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