I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
