Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
