Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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