look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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