She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
