I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
