Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
