Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
