The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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