Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
