i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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