I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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