My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
